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Fighting Words (part three)
Fighting styles
Have
you ever wondered why some people seem to thrive by
yelling and pushing other people around, while others
who may be equally angry hide their emotions? Our style
of expressing emotions and resolving conflicts is
established when we are very young.
Here's an example. At the age of seven, when Sandi got
angry over some dispute with her brother, her parents
immediately punished her by sending her to her room. She
was told that it was not acceptable for her, the older
sister, to get angry. At this early age she was forced
to control her emotions and put her brother's needs
first. She received the clear message that showing anger
was bad and other people's needs came first. In essence,
she was receiving lifetime training on how to deny her
emotions.
Twenty years later, Sandi still dreads revealing any
slight form of anger. She's afraid of being rejected if
she doesn't agree with other people. Sandi doesn't even
acknowledge her anger to herself. As a result, a high
degree of tension has built up in her body from
repressed anger. This tension seeks an outlet, and finds
it in the form of severe headaches.
Over
the years, Sandi's inability to express her overwhelming
anger and negotiate for her own needs has led to an
immense sense of powerlessness and despair. She
eventually had to be medicated for depression. Her "gun"
had gone off and sprayed an internal toxic spill. Her
raging anger manifested itself in a silent scream.
Do
you identify with someone who leads a life of quiet
desperation or with the more aggressive fighter? Most of
us will fall somewhere in between these two extremes.
Our responses to conflict slide up and down this scale
depending on who else is involved in the disagreement.
Explore your thoughts and feelings about conflict by
playing "The Conflict Word Game." Stop to consider how
you react to the word Òconflict." Does this word stir up
negative feelings or thoughts? Describe whatever your
first reaction is to this word. Think back to your
childhood and recall how conflicts were solved in your
home. How are they solved now? Jot down some descriptive
phrases on a piece of paper. This exercise may lead you
to a new perspective on your behavior.
What
we believe about conflicts comes from the messages we
have received from our parents, teachers, significant
others, and the media. Parents and teachers
traditionally punished children when they were embroiled
in a conflict. Most of us were told what we must think,
say, and do. It's not surprising that many people don't
trust their ability to solve conflicts and thus they
seek advice from others.
Own the solution
The
basic premise of problem-solving is that if you own the
problem, then you also own the solution to it. Your
solution is within your own grasp, and it's my job as
your coach to guide you to it. (The questions in the
"Action Plan" in my book, Settle It! [Sterling
House, $14.95], provide an easy-to-follow strategy for
arriving at your solution.) Yet human nature tends to
set up obstacles. Some people prefer clinging to the
edge of a cliff; they'd rather be uncomfortable and
struggle, day after day.
On
the other hand, there are people who find
procrastination is far easier -- and certainly much
safer -- than dealing with the problem. Once upon a
time, they had tried to do something about the dispute,
but it didn't work out, so they've given up. Now they've
begun to derive some pleasure from feeling sorry for
themselves, as they blame the world out there for their
woe. Some of them have quit having a life; they connect
with the outside world through the safety of their
remote control.
Is
the person with whom you're having the conflict a
"cliffhanger" or a "couch potato"? Both types of people
will feel a little bit better if you allow them to vent
some emotions. Watch out for their tendency to get
carried away. Some of them will even look to you for
help: people love being rescued. A part of us regresses
to a dependent stage that's reminiscent of childhood,
when others took care of our problems. We also tend to
get impatient and yearn for immediate solutions.
If
you provide a person with a quick-fix answer, then
you'll be guilty of sabotaging the problem-solving
process. Your gun will have sprayed a dirty bullet and
knocked someone off the path ahead. The short-cut
solution has a high degree of appeal, especially if
someone close to you has been feeling helpless and
distressed for a long time. The conflict has begun to
wear you down, so you're seeking some relief for
yourself as well.
Resist the temptation of becoming a power player by
jumping in to rescue someone else! Your quick-fix
solution may even appear to work, at least for the short
term. The other person, who was desperate for help, may
have such faith in your instant cure that she will bury
her anger. But over time, suppressed emotions can build
extra megawatts of energy that seek release in one form
or another; the silent internal scream and the fight
being two possibilities.
I'll
restate the basic premise: anyone who owns a dispute
also owns the solution to it. The questions that appear
in the problem-solving process guide a person's thinking
to the solution that lies within him or her. Recognizing
ownership of a problem is important to overcoming it.
The goal is to tackle the problem in collaboration with
the other person who is involved. By maintaining an
atmosphere of respect and patience, the opposing parties
stand a good chance of resolving their dispute.
Unfortunately, our dominant culture drives us to think
otherwise.
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